joi, 24 ianuarie 2013

About love

What does it mean when people need more resorts in order to signify themselves? For example you get into a relationship and for a while she is the omphalos of your world and after that things get more intense, more close, more filled with both and one of them needs to get out of this monopole and get into other types of relations also. A woman friend? I don’t believe that exists genuinely. It is always something fleshy in the middle of it. So is it actually that serious? Or is it a sign that a world is breathing more and more heavy and another one is about to be born? Can it be so simple?
Or are we such fragmentized creatures that in order to get a approximate definition of us we need to expand our Beings in the horizons of Others onthologies? Is it one person not enough for such intimacies? Is that the general understanding of being possessive and suffocate the social liberty of the Other? One person when you think you feel something related to the general understanding of love, that is what I mean by one person. Why does it have to be such a disturbing issue? Sometimes I really wish we people could have a pharmakos which we could charge with all the poison that intoxicates daily our souls and let it go every morning before opening the eyes into the sartrian nothingness. Emotional pains are cruel and they don’t go hand in head with any type of rational calculations.
And it’s pathetic and its human and its us and they are omnipresent. And yes, they appear when you are vulnerable and when you stand soul naked in front of this other diffuse human being and when you pretend with sun in your heart that YOU can actually communicate with each other ,that with YOU the connection for a deeper meaning and understanding and YOU together can make this above blessed union actually work and be some worthy little people in a society that cant function without you spinning you own little hipper specialized wheel. In and out and in and out from each other, being afraid to stare into the abyss because he can actually stare back at you and producing illusions that both will embrace as common subjective truth.
But what is he wants to have a woman friend? He could nicely say that he needs someone to help him stand outside the two of you and get a better view of what is happening. Is that really so complicated? Is it necessary? What does that imply actually? It implies ANOTHER female/male presence. ANOTHER presence is needed in an intimate equation that you happily shared for a while and believed with big words that will last until the end of your Time. The Another is a sign of insufficiency and craving for chance, of pseudo boredom and metaphysical absences, of the fact that you, for each other mean now less instead of more and the getting closer process underlined the fact that you actually don’t really correspond to the definition of the Other.
 I want you to be quiet when I feel like having some peace around and please don’t leave your make up everywhere and those coffe cups with your dark lipstick all over and please stop listening to that sons 20 times a day, and no, I don’t want to go see your parents today I want to lay in bed until 2pm and read The Sexual Life of Immanuel Kant and I really don’t want to hear about your period and about that zit and about the way you wax you feet and how it hurts and how you cant stand the smell and I don’t want to go see that romantic drama with you today ,I don’t don’t don’t want that and that and that and that, I need Something else, I need Another presence so I can see what is happening and actually I just need someone else but I am not really sure that I want to let you go right now, letting go is so damn complicated and melodramatic and its going to make me feel like an asshole and for a while I am even going to suffer for a while for the sake of the attachment we had all this time.
We are post modern  and we are post humans with post emotions and post understandings. We call the truth personal and we don’t believe in system of values anymore, we pretend to live far away from any transcendental instance and we actually want to consider that we can honestly share things selfishly loving the singularity of the Other. When the Other reveals the collage of perfections and imperfections then we tend to draw back and forget we are just the same, just another brand . We tend to consider the Other as a lottery ticket that can fulfill our wildest dreams: he/she can understand my potential, nourish it, sustain it, embrace it, respect it, cherish it, he/she can help me with my domestically orientated dreams, cook, bear babies, make my parents be proud and smile and rejoice because they have nephews and because we have nice jobs and we hold hands and she is so pretty and cute and a bit smart too, he can satisfy me when I feel like it and she can make love with me because she is mine and I have the right and he can make me feel sensual and beautiful and feminine and belonging and she can make me feel masculine and strong and a leader and oh oh oh how good this feels…
How honest this actually is? And how bad or good it is if its not really so much honest as in complementary. What if this is what we are and the other ideas above love are more idealistic than the platonic understanding of ideas. What if our perception of things had been infected by centuries of falsified norms and dogmas about how things should be ,but without a proper scanning of the human superhighways of shame and lust and guilt and what not? What if we are selfish and that something natural and not bad and what if we are good Christians because we need an assurance that our place in Heaven has a name tag on it and what if we stay together because we can find a mirror that reflects as close as it can our desires and expectations and what if love is actually a narcissistic act doubled by the presence of the Other. And what if all these things are not actually bad?
What hurts is when you brake the strings that actually kept you together from the beginning. Those few strings that gave both of you a meaning and a sense. They break when they are not many enough to sustain you both but damn it hurts when you have to cut them off. It is like cutting in the flesh of your soul. And the wounds do dry inside and yes they leave scars and to scars we go back from time to time because at intervals something is pulsating behind them which we can’t really put the finger on but it indicates a long gone presence of an Other and the invisible places where those strings use to be are still there behind on the left of your heart dangling in the wind of your nostalgic thoughts. And it hurts.
What can you do about it?
            Start to run.

                                                        Ionuţ Buda

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